My daughter loved to dance, spinning around and around in circles like I did at three. As I watched her, I wondered whether I was like her as a child – innocent and sweet.
I grew up believing I was ‘bad’ because I made so many mistakes. A cross word in a moment of frustration from a parent or teacher can become a truth to a child. Often children cannot see that behind cross words a parent may be angry at a partner, or a teacher is frustrated by discipline problems in the classroom.
Fearing rejection, the child hides these words within, believing them to be true. Then this ‘truth’ becomes shame.
Shame makes us guarded with others, afraid to open up for fear of having our flaws exposed. But by holding shame in, we shut people out.
Shame sabotages intimacy. Where there is a lack of intimacy, one gets the feeling of being ‘shut out’ of another’s life, and the downward spiral in a relationship begins.
My daughter gave me a precious gift that day I watched her dance: the chance to see the innocent child I had been so I could let go of shame, and the words which hid my own truth.
Since then I have learned that our children are not born to meet our expectations or fulfill dreams we didn’t achieve. They have come to experience life – in their own way. They have come to make mistakes, and in so doing, learn to walk alone in this world without crutches of self-pity or hobbles of fear.
We can never walk in their shoes or live their dreams, but we can love and accept them as they are – without judgments or criticism or punishment for the mistakes they make, for mistakes are potentially our greatest teacher.
Mistakes can be painful. But mistakes simply tell us the corrections we need to make to achieve a desired result. And that is when real learning takes place.
If we constantly criticize mistakes, children may internalize the belief that there is something ‘wrong’ with them, or that they don’t ‘measure up’. Fearing rejection, they learn that making mistakes is bad. Then they learn not to take risks for fear of making a mistake, and may never achieve their dreams.
By learning how to face shame and working at resolving our own childhood issues, we become more effective parents.
By example, we can show our children how to learn and grow from mistakes, and how to accept themselves without judgment and criticism.
If we demonstrate strength and courage in facing our fears, then our children will learn to face their fears with courage. With the support of our love and acceptance, we give children a better chance to live life courageously by their own truth and wisdom.
I see a child as a flower waiting to unfold. Crush it with your negativity, and it is unlikely to open.
First published in the Ballarat News, February 23, 1994
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